Friday, July 25, 2008

Rusty Idols: Outsourced!

Hello. I'm Matthew from The Church Of Mothra. I'm here to help keep the cat fed and kids off the lawn while Cliff seeks treatment for his long-term exposure to Calgary.

First, an apology: I wanted to start off with something informative and entertaining, so for the first time in my life I sat down to watch several hours of Fox News.

And I couldn't.

God help me. Greta Van Susteren harped on about a murder case where the husband has barely been questioned as a suspect, but he cheated on her. She cheated on him too, maybe. In other words, a typical ugly divorce interrupted by a murder, so naturally it was a chance to stare into some (probably innocent) guy's personal life for an hour. Somehow, it qualified as news. Then came Bill O'Reilly. His show consisted of interviewing Fox hirelings as if they were independent experts. The subject of the conversation? Why are so many people turning against Barack Obama.

It's official: if Bill O'Reilly says the sky is blue... it ain't.

This was followed by Hannity and Colmes. By that point my brain felt so much like an abused six-year-old on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" that I could barely think. All I could notice was how how empty-eyed Colmes is, and how much Hannity looks like that jerk who was always picking on the handicapped kid in Grade Seven.

And as Mothra is my witness, I couldn't go on with it. Not for all the blogs in the world. Having now actually seen it at length, I can safely report that a sustained dose of Fox News is pure self abuse, and not the fun kind either. It's like making out in the driver's seat of an Austin Mini with Cthulu. It's like being a lab rabbit at a cosmetics company in 1958, testing new mascara formulas. It's a power enema with broken watch springs.

It's the "Turistas" of TV news. Jesus. I wanted to take out my eyes with a shrimp fork.

Fortunately, I can report none of it filtered down into my subconscious, and I have not been influenced to change any of my basic beliefs at all. So I guess America's non-stop exposure to this propaganda hasn't done any harm at all to them, just as it hasn't changed me.

Now, a public service announcement:

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